It’s been a long time coming with a bunch of trials and tribulations but it’s definitely a meaningful one. It’s quite a fact, “people can be their own worst enemy” sometimes. Maybe it’s because I’ve been so wrapped up with how I appear that I haven’t focused fully, only some 50% maybe? Well I went to the London College of Communication in Elephant & Castle open day on Saturday and where I’am in my life it definitely opened my eyes. Also I had an eye “squint surgery” on Tuesday, so that eye opener delivered a certain irony. All the same I really appreciated the journey as they produced a swag of goodies, I learnt what it takes to get into the Sports Journalism course and just how the entire experience will only help me grow as an individual.
Well I keep saying thanks to H2H for installing the confidence needed in life, it was rocky for a while but it’s a certain degree of “Keep Calm and Carry On”. I may have already blogged about that one, either way I’ve seen just how Sports Journalism is the end goal, but man this Media course is the process. I said it in class, “there are pros and cons, strengths and weaknesses”.
Everyone on the course has already displayed those strengths and weaknesses. I don’t want to singleout any one individual, but the fact is I can see without a shadow of a doubt how it may not be easy, or all that fun all of the time, but there are people there that make it a bit more bearable. I’ve seen some great Instagrams of college work, coupled with Snapchats of a funny nature as well. All in all, those strengths and weaknesses. I always look forward of those Journalism classes – I wonder why – But after going to LCC, I see the goal now, and God-willing I hope to get there.
Well I’m on my way home from another day at college and it’s that feeling I had even when I joined H2H, “I’d never have imagined this”. They asked me to try setting up their blog, and it’s swell. Looked into their Facebook and Twitter as well. Well as much as things change, people don’t, like their character no? People should be able to differentiate the two though, right? At least point out concerns and fears without worry as that friendship is worth a damn… Right? I think I may have somewhat “missed the mark” with a number of friends, family members as well, I’m all for not adding drama or tension, but in a way, how wallflower, that’s no fun right? What’s the point of friendship if it’s based on fakery?
It’s raining, immensely, we are in England though. I like rain a lot more than people know, yaknow? It’s refreshing after so much dry weather, and it “waters the garden”. Well it’s Maths and then I’ve joined the gym, I like the gym, people are my “tackling fuel”. Though I’m not playing American Football, I still have some pent up aggression I suppose. How great is it that I’ll inevitably appreciate how though I can’t “go back”, certain things from the past can make the present a bit more manageable no?
I’m not special and I’m sure I’m one of only some massive number of people that have gone through something big and then go on to think that it’s “all about them”. It’s a scary fact that it’s not the case at all as those feelings of depression, anger, frustration, self-pity are common-place. Personally here to ask “what have you done recently?” Well my life changed and to be honest I don’t know if I “want my old friends back” as it’s like “at least try and fix this as it’s too one way”. I’d like a “fair shake” but until that happens that’s life I’m afraid. I went zig, but they went zag. My contact number is there, I can’t even begin to say how poorly I’ve acted to a bunch as I’ve alienated quite a couple as a result… Silly. But “such is the carousel that is life” I suppose. THEY’RE QUITTERS, not me.
ALWAYS pushing harder and stronger as this situation has taught me how not to live. For this I’ll quickly point out a couple of things that stood me in good stead. I don’t know if anyone following any form of life-issue finds it easy or even possible to “turn it around” but for a number of survivors they got “back on the horse” of their lives. For others its tougher, for others there is literally nothing to go back to and that general feeling of even holding skills on a limited level is tough, so since this happened I’ve self-righted and g0ne down the educational route as though not fun anything beats feeling so helpless as I’m sure other survivors have in the past. The trick is look beyond those first set of doors, look at those possibilities, address those hurdles and accommodate. Personally I’ve looked at Different Strokes, The Stroke Association, work through Ashford Hospital, sites at Richmond Wellbeing, Royal London & Barts Hospital. it’s not all the end of the world, there is help, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. It may not be a life like how it was before, but it’s most definitely the best any stroke survivor could possibly hope for as it’s not paralysis on one side of the body or generally feeling like a hopeless sod. I’ve seen the other side of the coin as people have “shut-down”, well though this isn’t me it’s just no better example of “Keep Calm And Carry On“.
I know it’s been a long ol’ while since my last post, I’m sure people are a bit fed up hearing and reading about this stroke but I don’t know. 28 years old, nearly 4 years since this happened – But where’s my “closure moment”? I’ve said about the film Cliffhanger I’m sure but it’s like I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place with my “medical inbetweener” situation. Could I call on The Simpsons Movie instead then? Long story short I’m trying but the world is trying – I’m not special, everyone has worries, all I know is I can’t go back even if I wanted to, a place where life was simpler, surviving this has taught me to fight tooth and nail though. It takes stubborn to fight stubborn? I love my friends, I love all the good times we had, but there’s a certain level of would you ever kick it with me? I can’t enjoy the weekends out like I used to, I can’t be on the front foot inviting people out all the time can I? This exact reason I have to accept what my family say, I have to accept my notions, my feelings.
I have in my head a three tier system; friends, family, acquaintances/miscellaneous, people move from one group to another with some frequency nowadays – family is a constant not to take for granted though – as time to think can well and truly suck. This means though my memoir is the start of a beautiful relationship with the written language, “the possibilities are endless”. Even this blog is more for a therapeutic nature, I wouldn’t say no to some notoriety but I’m not holding on hope. This is more to chronicle until I find my notebook (Notebook, not THE Notebook) as thoughts nowadays are definitely an issue, as if they weren’t before?
Everyone will say I’m over thinking things so lets keep this simple, I’ve gone 180° on things at the moment, going the educational route as ‘Britain’s Got Talent‘ gave me unrealistic dreams (guffaw) Either way a bunch of people have to “relearn”, what’s mine after a life-altering event that’s got me meeting and re-meeting people that are still amazing and still a serious matter of “phwoar”? Well I’m going to hyperlink this like I do, but yes, good luck and Godspeed all of you reading this ever ever EVER!
I’m not going to start that whole defence vs defense argument as we all, “most of us”, live in the the 21st century so that means something important. We as human-beings should be “over” it as the reality is that this is a blog entry about American Football, so that means American Football lingo. If I was talking about Football/Soccer, I’d type “defence”, but I’m not, so ‘suck it up people’. I used to watch that argument and actually have an opinion, now I simply scoff and shake my head in derision.
This entry is about one thing and one thing only, and my favourite thing, defense. If you hadn’t already guessed by my constant use of the term. But its the funniest thing as my love for stout defense and a solid running game is no secret. So how I “Back The Pack” is a joke! A poor, unfunny, quite sadistic joke. It goes back to 2000 with Ahman Green, thanks to NFLUK’s Mike Carlson I stole that line “So good, they named the Bay after him”, I soon found out that it was not the case, sad face. Well either way I started realising that though I should be backing the San Francisco 49ers or the Houston Texans, those Green Bay Packers were my team, but one thing jumped off the page when looking at those Packers… Brett Favre.
Though I favour a running game and a solid defense, the moment an NFL franchise has a “franchise QB” it wipes everything underneath the carpet. The Packers “are getting there” with Eddie Lacy (a rookie out of Alabama) running the ball now Aaron Rodgers is down. That nickname for that mobile talisman is franchise QB “A Rod” and he’s missed a big chunk of the 2013 season this means the Packers have had to adapt.
Either way “my” Green Bay Packers are currently 7-6-1 with an obscure draw. Better than a loss, worse than a win… The 21st century NFL draw In time it’ll tell if they can win their final two regular season games against the Pittsburgh Steelers (22/12, 6-8) and then the Chicago Bears (29/12, 8-6). “Win and they’re in”… I love that about the NFL!
I only tweeted, Facebook statused, acknowledged, ordered a pizza with the knowledge… I now have reason to appreciate (American) Football now I’ve well an truly into it this season. I’m watching it and its like “Happy Thanksgiving”. I don’t do Turkey or Cranberry Jam, or Stuffing, or Pumpkin Pie etc. Some of the comments on the Metro’s article on U.S. Thanksgiving are just hilarious. The kind of reaction people give when you know they weren’t sitting with anyone that cares for the sport to help talk them through it. Instead, just bag on a sport because its different. I actually felt my IQ go down reading some of the comments, its like everyone is entitled to their opinion, only if its an opinion arrived and suitable for “The Adult Table”, am I that Americanised? *awkward face*
All I know is I’ve loved the Packers for a while, more than any European football team for a while. Vets of my blogs know as “Americanised” as I may become, I’ve always called European Football/Soccer = Football, and then American Football/NFL = American Football. I haven’t fully turned my back on Football, but it doesn’t help itself is all with ticket prices, subscription costs, television rights etc. All too bureaucratic, American Football seems a bit less “merky”. Well Thanksgiving is the age old tradition of three NFL games back-to-back-to-back, from 5:30pm GMT (Greenwich Mean Time) / 1:30pm ET (Eastern Time) until past 1am GMT, I dont care to work out that time, maybe even later.
I was only even interested in that first game and my goodness… The Packers let me down, call me a glory-hunter, call me a “homer for A Rod” but without the aforementioned Aaron Rodgers, the Packers aren’t the same team and are figuratively a pain to do so. I have to actually concentrate on the real world with no beautiful August-February distraction, grr.
This was labelled as the game that could possibly restart Big Blue’s season as if 0-5 was unthinkable, 0-6 was simply crazy-talk. As much as I dislike hyperbole it really was a nutty thought as the Giants are honestly better than this. I personally contribute it all to their Offensive Line, that O-Line that keeps their Quarterback (QB) Eli Manning upright, clean, a master of time in the pocket and master of the pass. But this season has been different, unfortunately tackle David Diehl (WK1), center David Baas (WK2), guard Brandon Mosley (WK3), guard Chris Snee (WK4), and those were the initial knocks, probably more since. The “O-Line’s for Dummy’s” cheatbook would say “never get old together and never get injured together, a lot of a five man O-Line were injured together and now there’s talk of retirement for members of a Pro Bowl O-Line.
I find it hard to ever root for a divisional rival so I thank my mum for teaching me “if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all”. Well I could say something nice, Brandon Marshall is a serious “Sultan” for his awareness of Personality Disorder. But just to see a divisional rival is never fun, I mean how Gord went with us to Wembley to watch the 49ers (divisional rivals to “his” Cardinals) was mammoth. I like me the American Football but am I self-centred? It was a good game though as England witnessed Tim Tebow’s 1st NFL TD, that Vikings game clearly came too soon as I was still in hospital the week before. Either way this season has to already be seen as “panic button” as yes the Giants are still some 2 or 3 games out of 1st place in a vanilla NFC East. This Giants team may be in an “ok” position though they haven’t won a game. The Bears are currently leading the way as 4-2 vs. 0-6… That’s-that-then as there’s something to ponder.
No “sport” to hide from this fact… I’m brickin’ having to face all of this.
I’m not going to lie, I’m a bit of a geek. With this “geeky attitude” it means I tend to be “on the outside looking in”. Though never bullied as I got on quite well with a few “cool kids” that played sports or had loadsa parties. This “on the fence” scenario means that I wasn’t picked on but I definitely wasn’t accepted. With this Switzerland attitude it means that most things that have happened in my life come with an empathetic and attempted rational thought. Even after suffering a stroke I labelled myself a “medical inbetweener”… Says it all really. Though I know what its like to be in a wheelchair (I borrowed one so I could roll around for roughly five-minutes, even that was a pain – Well done to anyone that has to live in one!), a delta-frame, I’m currently using a walking stick for those densely populated or uneven areas. It all still means that recently I don’t even extend the stick any more than the first or second hole from the top anymore, its just a stub as I’m fine until my friend’s cat jumps down from a window ledge. It all boils down to balance really, everything is fine about me, appearance-wise anyway as my brain may not be as quick-firing as it used to be. Thats another story, this is balance. The kind of anxiety people have when drunk but without the euphoria is how I explain it to people, so when my family and friends are well within their rights to say that I had changed or become rude when I say that certain weekend plans were now effort.
I may act like a right knowitall but I don’t really, I’m as human as anyone else so when people say suck it up or simply don’t take all of this into account as to my frustration. I think one of the scariest things about growing up is admitting whenever I said I Don’t Care that’s when I cared the most but I’d prefer to hide it. I can categorically say that I’ve unknowingly alienated myself from family & friends as a result of this “wake up and smell the coffee” event as the things I stomached clearly acted like somewhat of a volcano. Now I find myself volunteering at the Stroke Associations Survivor Communication Workshop in Uxbridge, going to a conversation group in Wimbledon, get involved with Heritage 2 Health (I run H2H‘s blog – smiley face), a cracking start-up charity that’s all about event days tied with English Heritage & the National Trust, events that prevent others overcoming life-altering situations feeling isolated (ironic). I now go to the gym, I eat right, I don’t live on my gaming console like I used to – So as much as I could be seen as a smiley and positive guy, I’ve clearly now changed a bit.
In documenting my journey it means that certain feelings I initially wrote back in 2011 may not be how I feel at the time of typing this entry. As much as “the book” is all I’ve been bleating about since this happened I simply don’t have much else to live for at the moment. The sad fact about book-writing is how the writing bit is fun, but for a first-time writer that means self-editing and then self-publishing, “hell on earth”. I always liked creative writing in junior school so for me to only explore this passion now is beyond stupid. I have a friend that only recently explored their passion for something, but it was a passion I saw in them since the first time I saw them. “Obviously” after I heard them say what they wanted to do, all I wanted to do was scream “Duh!” – In a supportive-friendly way. Its a sad realisation that life doesn’t always dish out a straight-line, they got there in the end is all that matters. So-so-so happy for them.
I deliberately typing this on the 15/07/2013 and then putting a publication timer on this as I have a surgery to remove the cavernoma that caused the incident. That’s on the 30/07/2013 and in the fear of sounding morbid I don’t know how this is going to play out. I think all that time in a hospital bed means that my outlook may have changed, all of that over-thinking. This means that the “you’ve changed” label is an easy one to dish out but I think its just my tolerance and patience that has changed, peoples lack of consideration could come into review. I’m not going to start stealing or pushing over OAP’s because of this, its just when I used to grin & bare it I can’t anymore. If I’ve upsetted anyone that was never the intention, for that I’m sincere. If I ever did, I apologised within a week so people can take it or leave it really… A lot-A lot of “leaving it” which is a shame but as a form of last will and testament I just want people to know it doesn’t make me “hate them” for it.
Though I’ve turned into a person that swears (in context or in anger. Not every word, that’s “not cricket”), as well as a person that can easily say “hate” (Though I don’t mean it). Isn’t a “life-altering event” meant to make people change for the better? All I know is that I’m happy for every single person that’s touched my life. Be it best friends, mates, acquaintances, or “Facebook Friends”. I always use that Kanye West song as reference for times like this as I mean it… Butterfly Effect. Well this surgery went by without a hitch which was nice be wow, don’t I feel “27 x 2” right now. Something about two brain surgeries in three years. A summer without sport to get my mind off of things, a new season starting, just what the doctor ordered?
I can genuinely say I can empathise with those from Day 1 but even those that may have joined in on the fun come Day 5821 or however many it has been since that first plan. It means the sights, the sounds, the camaraderie… It’s all there and I saw the “third-eye effects” of this […]
Well the work H2H at it again as the day was a great advertisement of no person left behind as it most definitely produced just the thing like everybody needs across the board. I was a bit of a “ground zero” patient as people well know but then its been a bit of a while […]
I’ve still got my youthful exuberance but it’s a situation that has me in a situation where “growing up” is just a fact of life. H2H has rebuilt that confidence so my latest blog needs to be mentioned. It’s the personal blogging that may be a bit more sporadic nowadays, but hopefully the conviction and […]
I think its terrible I’ve been a bit lax recently on these blog posts. With the lovely weather, the cheery disposition of anyone in these summer months I really don’t have any reason sometimes. But could this be the microcosm of one possible aspect of stroke recovery, or my own stroke recovery? Sometimes biting off […]