No “sport” to hide from this fact… I’m brickin’ having to face all of this.
I’m not going to lie, I’m a bit of a geek. With this “geeky attitude” it means I tend to be “on the outside looking in”. Though never bullied as I got on quite well with a few “cool kids” that played sports or had loadsa parties. This “on the fence” scenario means that I wasn’t picked on but I definitely wasn’t accepted. With this Switzerland attitude it means that most things that have happened in my life come with an empathetic and attempted rational thought. Even after suffering a stroke I labelled myself a “medical inbetweener”… Says it all really. Though I know what its like to be in a wheelchair (I borrowed one so I could roll around for roughly five-minutes, even that was a pain – Well done to anyone that has to live in one!), a delta-frame, I’m currently using a walking stick for those densely populated or uneven areas. It all still means that recently I don’t even extend the stick any more than the first or second hole from the top anymore, its just a stub as I’m fine until my friend’s cat jumps down from a window ledge. It all boils down to balance really, everything is fine about me, appearance-wise anyway as my brain may not be as quick-firing as it used to be. Thats another story, this is balance. The kind of anxiety people have when drunk but without the euphoria is how I explain it to people, so when my family and friends are well within their rights to say that I had changed or become rude when I say that certain weekend plans were now effort.
I may act like a right knowitall but I don’t really, I’m as human as anyone else so when people say suck it up or simply don’t take all of this into account as to my frustration. I think one of the scariest things about growing up is admitting whenever I said I Don’t Care that’s when I cared the most but I’d prefer to hide it. I can categorically say that I’ve unknowingly alienated myself from family & friends as a result of this “wake up and smell the coffee” event as the things I stomached clearly acted like somewhat of a volcano. Now I find myself volunteering at the Stroke Associations Survivor Communication Workshop in Uxbridge, going to a conversation group in Wimbledon, get involved with Heritage 2 Health (I run H2H‘s blog – smiley face), a cracking start-up charity that’s all about event days tied with English Heritage & the National Trust, events that prevent others overcoming life-altering situations feeling isolated (ironic). I now go to the gym, I eat right, I don’t live on my gaming console like I used to – So as much as I could be seen as a smiley and positive guy, I’ve clearly now changed a bit.
In documenting my journey it means that certain feelings I initially wrote back in 2011 may not be how I feel at the time of typing this entry. As much as “the book” is all I’ve been bleating about since this happened I simply don’t have much else to live for at the moment. The sad fact about book-writing is how the writing bit is fun, but for a first-time writer that means self-editing and then self-publishing, “hell on earth”. I always liked creative writing in junior school so for me to only explore this passion now is beyond stupid. I have a friend that only recently explored their passion for something, but it was a passion I saw in them since the first time I saw them. “Obviously” after I heard them say what they wanted to do, all I wanted to do was scream “Duh!” – In a supportive-friendly way. Its a sad realisation that life doesn’t always dish out a straight-line, they got there in the end is all that matters. So-so-so happy for them.
I deliberately typing this on the 15/07/2013 and then putting a publication timer on this as I have a surgery to remove the cavernoma that caused the incident. That’s on the 30/07/2013 and in the fear of sounding morbid I don’t know how this is going to play out. I think all that time in a hospital bed means that my outlook may have changed, all of that over-thinking. This means that the “you’ve changed” label is an easy one to dish out but I think its just my tolerance and patience that has changed, peoples lack of consideration could come into review. I’m not going to start stealing or pushing over OAP’s because of this, its just when I used to grin & bare it I can’t anymore. If I’ve upsetted anyone that was never the intention, for that I’m sincere. If I ever did, I apologised within a week so people can take it or leave it really… A lot-A lot of “leaving it” which is a shame but as a form of last will and testament I just want people to know it doesn’t make me “hate them” for it.
Though I’ve turned into a person that swears (in context or in anger. Not every word, that’s “not cricket”), as well as a person that can easily say “hate” (Though I don’t mean it). Isn’t a “life-altering event” meant to make people change for the better? All I know is that I’m happy for every single person that’s touched my life. Be it best friends, mates, acquaintances, or “Facebook Friends”. I always use that Kanye West song as reference for times like this as I mean it… Butterfly Effect. Well this surgery went by without a hitch which was nice be wow, don’t I feel “27 x 2” right now. Something about two brain surgeries in three years. A summer without sport to get my mind off of things, a new season starting, just what the doctor ordered?
All the best and I love every single person I’ve had the pleasure of meeting. “Take Care Of Yourselves, Aaaaaaaaaaaaand Eachother” x