How do I say this nicely? To write a book this phone owns but to play games or just generally load up on a glossary apps I think people need to look elsewhere as lucky if you can find 500-1000 apps but then I suppose that stops the likelihood of procrastination. What I realised today if I didn’t already have pangs of thought about it was that I’m the disabled equivalent of an “Inbetweener” and I know I’ve already written in a blog about how in school I as well as my friends Dan & Tom weren’t seen as cool but we weren’t nerds, but this is a different metaphor as this is how I’m not in a wheelchair but I’m not able to run “normally” without support of something. Before all of “this” I wasn’t running normally anyway as I had the whole “Phoebe & Rachel” about my style or the LACK OF STYLE, maybe a bit far as I never ran like that but it wasn’t graceful as all I had in my mind was to “get from A to B”. The sad fact is I don’t have it in me to rest on my laurels and not do ANYTHING as I know I don’t do MUCH generally but I’ll choose stairs instead of the lift or I’ll walk instead of the bus as in not doing MUCH I don’t want to give in completely and do NOTHING as I need to feel good about myself somehow as for playing football or running a race I was bad… ‘Going Overboard‘ level bad! I’ve become this “Inbetweener” of a man and it’s starting to kill me as I can do everything I want to do and since this happened I’ve not needed any help from Health Care Assistants, Nurses, my friends or from my parents (or my loving sister) BUT ask me to think at the level I was before all of this, to run a certain distance without support, or to keep up with friends as we walked the streets of the borough of Tower Hamlets from his flat to a friend’s surprise birthday his girlfriends flat… “Inbetweener” indeed and it annoys me immensely as I don’t know what to say or do as this isn’t the first time I’ve had this feeling as while in The Wolfson as much as I wished and still do all other patients well I could still notice the difference between me and them as I NEVER thought I was better than them I just saw that I could do certain things that they couldn’t, I then got discharged and the world is still moving on and I have to try and keep up and it really is an effort and it is quite tough indeed.
My friend Tommy posted it on my Facebook wall… Yeah… My dig at you for stabbing a dagger… A DAGGER INTO MY HEART! (lol!)
I’m not at the “I’m gonna top myself” level (I don’t think I ever will be, suicide is for losers) but at the same time this feel that people have as they think that I’m 100% fine and it’s all same ol’ ol’ but I wish it was as like giving a friend’s mum a lift back to her house with her husband on work-holiday and the son visiting his girlfriend that weekend but his mum still went to this family party and you offered her a lift… appearances can be deceiving. A bit too far with that analogy? My point is I’m trying very hard to look “normal” when sometimes it’s not easy to actually carry out but much like when I was in school I still had my analogies and my like for Sci-Fi and stamp collecting (not true about stamp collecting try and read a joke) I feel like I have to hide or in this case try a bit harder than the average person to seem normal. Liz said after the surprise party “someone should accept you for you” but maybe in a world where having a wall clock around your neck as you “roll” into work is acceptable, maybe… Just maybe. But right now it’s not. After meaning to travel from Kingston’s HMV to Richmond’s Starbucks in order to do some writing as well as chat with my very PC literate friend Liz about my laptop as the fact that would otherwise mean electricity, £500 laptop, trial & error, and a stroke survivor… Sounds like a terrible “Englishman, Irishman, and Scotsman” joke but still thinking not for the best as before maybe it was because I wasn’t 100% sure and 2 heads are better than 1 but now I seriously doubt myself quite a bit. So I organised for if I could meet up with Liz in said Starbucks as I needed help with said laptop as it has “firewall issues blah-blah-blah conflicted with Norton 360 blah-blah-blah” but I got on the wrong bus (281 bus route… REALLY?!?!?! I wish I could blame it on “this” but I swear that was just stupid!) and in an act of “Alex where are you at the moment in your rehab?” I thought I’d walk it back home as I’d done it before but this was in hot weather and I’m suffering after “this”. I got as far as Simpson Road but I had to concede how yet again though as much as I don’t want to be an “Inbetweener” I don’t want David Cameron to influence my day-to-day… C’est la vie